I don't think I know how to be alone.

I feel weak.

How do you guys deal with it?

if you can relate.... 

So the stress of last week has subsided, and I am officially done with Acting Classes at AADA. I return on Tuesday to Industry Week (casting directors / actors / agencys etc. speaking) and then I begin rehearsal for my grad show.

I got cast in Noel Cowards "Present Laughter" the part of Miss Elkinson, A chain smoking, Swedish, doesn't-give-a-fuck about her job, housekeeper. At first I was a little dissappointed because the part is relatively small, but then I realized how hilarious this character is. Besides, I am quite used to not being cast as a lead but rather as the quirky crazy character that storms  in and off with a Bang. That's cool. 

So I went down to Samuel French and got a Swedish accent tape.  It's rather funny and doesn't seem too difficult. I just need to translate phonetic changes and practice practice practice!

I am trying to get things together for when I am done with school. So I have been out printing headshots and submitting to non-union and student films.  Why are stamps so expensive? ssh.

I decided I am going to wait on getting an agent until this summer. I wanted to start with an internship at either a casting directors office or talent agency so I can get a feel for the business on that side.  I have an interview for a part time internship tomorrow. Wish me luck :P

I am starting improv classes at Improv Olympics in mid April. I am really excited about it. The one thing AADA never really got into was Improv and Comedy. This is something I really want to get into, considering my number 1 goal is to get onto Mad Tv or SNL!!!!

After Awhile

 "Grasping at things can only yield one of two results:
Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear.
It is only a matter of which occurs first."
Goenka

I have been thinking a lot about attachment, and how it affects my life.  For those of you not familiar, in Buddhism attachment -which is an intense need to not be seperated from someone or something- is the source of much of our human suffering. It sets us up for disappointment, because all things eventually parish. Seeking external happiness, needing someone or something outside ourselves to be happy is a sure set-up to suffer.

I have been pondering: What ideas, people, feelings etc. am I attached to?

We want to get love, rather than give love. 
I know I am at a place of attachment with my boyfriend. I have found myself stuck in a mess of ideals about how our relationship SHOULD be. This results in me becoming angry and disappointed when my needs are not met. Instead of true love, my love can be negative. How can he fufill my needs? If he treats me well I'll treat him well. Rather then genuinely wanting him to be happy.
We seek understanding, rather than trying to understand. 
I often feel isolated and misunderstood by others. They don't take the time to talk to ME, smile at ME, or be MY friend.   Maybe if I stepped outside my "me-me-me" bubble I'd understand that maybe THEY feel just as isolated and misunderstood as me.
We seek self-confidence, rather than respecting others. 
I never even considered this. Not that  I don't respect others. I just often turn everything towards me and forget about others.
We seek praise and encouragement, rather than giving praise and encouragement . 
and
We don't like criticism, but like to criticise others. 
I am started to see a pattern.  My thoughts and actions can be so self driven and the 'the world is against me' that I stop thinking about others.

Today I was feeling especially crappy at school....angry, stressed, un-inspired. No one seemed like they wanted to talk to me inbetween classes  and I felt out of place. So I sat down and I counted my breath and then began to meditate on love. I thought of the people at my school and how they were suffering. I focused my love on a particular person so I wouldn't get scattered. I listened and took in my surroundings reminding myself that it is all a part of me, everyone and everything.  It wasn't for more then 5minutes, but wow! What a difference it made. I felt lifted. I was so much happier. I suddenly didn't feel out of place, because there wasn't this barrier that separated me and the rest of the world. 

New idea.

I'm going to study my cat, Zues. I am going to study him long and hard and mirror his behavior. I am going to base my character for acting on camera on him. She's sly, dark, vulnerable, sexy, dominating. 

  For my stage make-up final I picked:



Why? Because of my costume obsession! This means a trip to the fabric district and wig shop. I'm going to look HOT

Sometimes it's difficult for me to be vulnerable. I find myself hiding when I go up and act in front of people. Hiding with my body. Slumping...putting my weight on one hip, covering my organs by folding my arms because I feel so exposed up there in front of you. I begin to feel small, because, well maybe if you saw me -REALLY saw me- you wouldn't accept me. You'd think I was weird or something. My voice trails down. I drop the ends of my sentences as if what I have to say really doesn't matter. I fall into my habits because it's safe and comfortable kind of like my favorite stuffed animal "Doggy". I make quirky faces because It's easier to tell you how I feel with my face then to feel it. I apologize for being me. 

"Hello, I'm Meghan and I am sorry I exist."

God, I hate feeling so naked.

The funny thing is that  I keep doing it. Not because I like it. I do it because it's my way of facing my demons. And each time it gets a little easier. It 's my therapy.  It's great to feel and see other people feeling in a world where people can be so distant.


This quote from "The Art of Acting" by Stella Adler has been on my mind. I thought I would share. 

"...Success is a transient goal.No actor ever feels he is forever good. Even when he works well and knows it's good, he feels tomorrow it wont be. The Actor has a built in broken heart, which helps him to understand, but doesn't help him win.There's no actor who looks like a banker at the end of life. He looks distinguished but not as if he's won. The actor pays a price and that price is his heart."

I must say....
T rampling is a fun way to get a work out!

So I adopted a black kitten from a rescue center. She is four or five monthes old and is the splitting image of Zeus... long black hair and yellow eyes!  I named her Medusa. Yeap, I'm the scary witch lady with two black cats! Well, Zeus techniqually belongs to Rafi but I'm keeping him for the time being.

I am going to wait a few days to  take pictures. Medusa is still scared and getting used to the apartment. Zeus doesn't seem all that interested in her. 

I wish I could take all the pound animals and keep them!

it was a little painful but that's not a bad thing :)

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